Tired + Hormone Flux + Panic = Breakdown

Ok, well, I'm going to let you know I had considered not posting today and instead wait until tomorrow and skip over today. But then I realized that isn't the point of this, so here goes.

I woke up much earlier than I wanted to today: 1:00 a.m. Some girls came in late last night and apparently couldn't appreciate the fact that everyone was sleeping and went ahead and made as much noise as they possibly could. And I have ear plugs. It was that bad. But then apparently, they decided they wanted to go out at 3:30 a.m. too -- I have no idea if it was the same girls or different ones, but holy crap! And the hostel very clearly says that excessive noise is not permitted in the bedrooms after 11 p.m. Seriously. If you're going to make noise, book a private room. And of course, because that's apparently how it was going, girls started waking up at 6:30 this morning. I realize it's London, but lets get real! There isn't anything that's worth seeing open at 6:30 in the morning. And these girls too, decided that if they were going to be up, so was everyone else. So, tired from interrupted sleep, but clearly not going to get any more, I finally got up at 7:30 and went down to get breakfast.

I don't know if I had mentioned it before, but for my hostel in London, I had to make 3 separate reservations because they didn't have on room I could stay in for 7 nights straight. So I had to check out this morning and check back in this afternoon. At least now I'm in one room for 5 nights. I'll only have to check out on Thursday and check back in for my last night. So I did all this after getting dressed and determined to go and do something in London.

So my great plan of action was to go get an Oyster Card. It's the card you load money on so you can travel using the metro. It saves a lot of money since buying a one time use ticket will cost 4,60 Pounds every time. Not fun. So the Oyster Card is the best option. Well, I went to a self-service machine and tried using both my Debit and Credit Cards. And the message came up for both: Exceeds Ceiling Limit, Declined. Ok, well, I was a little freaked out because I have deliberately overestimated the rate of exchange to make sure I didn't run out of money and to also include the rate exchange my bank will charge me. Having no choice I went to a window with a person, and still managed to buy my Oyster Card.

It turns out the Metro here isn't bad, since it's a weird combination of Rome's Metro and Paris's Metro (it helps it's all in English). So my big plan was to go to Notting Hill and walk down Portabella Road. It was really really packed walking down there, but it's a lot like in the movie Notting Hill. A bunch of stalls are out with people selling a wide range of things. Some of the streets are actually closed to traffic for the day.

All of that aside I realized I maybe wasn't enjoying myself as much as I should have been. I had a weird cocktail of emotions going: frustration, tired, worry, happy was in there too, fear, and stuff I still don't know what they were. I knew that I couldn't be out any more. I don't know what it was but it felt like the pressure of the city was breaking me down and I knew at the very least I needed to go get checked into my new room and take a nap and have a good cry. Which was exactly what I did.

I basically cried myself to sleep -- why I was crying I have no idea because except for the jitters from flying from Paris to Dublin I haven't really felt too stressed about anything. Nothing really too much to worry about. Everything has been fairly smooth going (which I am incredibly thankful for), so I'm not too sure what brought this all on.

I woke up after a couple hours and went out and found (as the Brits would say) a dodgy little place for supper, but I ordered fish and chips and it could be the best I've had yet. Sometimes those dodgy places are the best. I was feeling (somewhat) refreshed, so I decided to try my Debit card at the ATM in the hostel. Came back DECLINED and saying "unable to connect to your financial institution." Back into panic mode. I started going through my little log book -- I've been keeping studious notes about where every cent of my money goes, and trying to figure out if I made a mistake somewhere. Going back through it, taking off extra to be on the safe side, I knew there was no way I could have gone over. The other horrible thought I had was my bank was charging me an obscene about of money every time I've made a withdrawal (not many, but probably enough to add up over the five or six times I've done it), and that has somehow drained all my money.

I have some money out, that I was planning to last me through my stay in London, but all the while, I kept thinking "but what if something happens and I need more money? I won't have a way to get to the airport Friday, I won't get home, I don't have money to buy a new ticket..." because thinking of the worst possible scenario is the best solution to every crisis. That seems to be human nature -- or at least mine -- though, because it happens even when I'm not travelling 3,000 miles away.

I think part of what has been so hard about this day was London has always been the place I've wanted to see. And my first day out in the city I felt so awful. I couldn't enjoy it. That's been about the hardest thing I think (apart from thinking I wouldn't see any of you lovies again).

Per panic mode, I jumped online and got in touch with Mom, Adam, Tess, and started figuring out a game plan for the money thing. I haven't checked my bank account online since I worry about the connections and someone potentially getting my info, but Adam told me to check it, just once, to see what the deal is. I checked it and let out a sigh of relief. I HAVE MONEY!  I actually have about $400 more than I thought. Yeah, for overestimating! It still doesn't explain why my cards won't work, but I'm hoping to try again on Monday (when all banks are open -- I don't think I've pulled money out on a weekend before. It just never turned out that way) and hope beyond hope, that it'll work.

The only thing I can really attribute this day to would be my lack of sleep, I'm sure some werid hormone flux, which lead to the panic from the stress, so I had a fantastically wonderful breakdown over here. Nothing like completely draining the battery. I guess though I'll just have to plug myself in and recharge.

Like always, I appreciate beyond the realm that simple words can express, all of your guys' support! It really helps to have everyone thinking of me and wishing the best when I have dark moments and feel very alone. I don't know what I would have done today if I wouldn't have been able to get ahold of everyone and been stuck in my own pool of misery. So thank you for everything! You are all so fantastic!

I'm hoping to get a good nights sleep tonight and get back on my feet tomorrow. Maybe do something really Londony like go see Big Ben or Parliament. Love from London.